I've been meaning to post about something for a while. It's been almost a week since it happened and I'm just too lazy to share it. So finally here it is.
I got a call from my oldest sister last Sunday. She lives out of state with her husband and kids, so I don't get to see her too often. The conversation started out basic enough, "How are you?", "What have you been up to?" etc. Then she said, "So I'm mainly calling to see if what mom said about you having problems with your testimony is still true." (My mom issued a press release of sorts to my siblings to let them know that they should pray for me because I'm struggling with the church. Haha).
I thought she was going to encourage me back to church and stuff, so I tried to be a little vague about it and mainly said, "Yeah, I haven't been going to church much lately," etc.
She could sense my guardedness and said, "I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, the reason I'm asking is because I'm having struggles with my testimony as well." She told me about her problems with the church, including polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, and prop 8, and then asked me about my conflicts with the church. I figured, no reason to beat around the bush, so I told her I'm gay. She assured me that she completely understands and is totally supportive. The rest of our conversation we talked about how it's going to be hard fitting in with the rest of the family when we're not active in the church. She is worried that my mom is going to keep trying to get her to come back to church and that it will complicate her relationship with the rest of the family. I told her that I was mainly worried that whenever the family talked about me, they would always have to add extra things like, "...but he's such a great person" at the end. Like there will always have to be an asterisk at the end of my name leading to a footnote that says, "he's gay, and not an active member of the church, but we still love him and hope with all our hearts he will come back to us some day."
It was good to talk to my sister and be able to be open and honest with her. It was especially good to have her be so supportive of me. I always thought that if someone in my immediate family would be supportive of me leading an active gay life, it would be her, and I was right. It's funny because just the night before I was texting a friend saying that if everyone in my extended family knew about me, I would become the "evil one" to the rest of the family. I would be the one who messed up. I would be the one who they wouldn't be seeing in heaven. My friend assured me that someone else in my family would end up doing something too, like go to jail, or become an unwed mother. I know nobody on that side of my family is going to do something like that, but it is comforting to see that I'm not the only one in my generation who can leave the church. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. It makes me a little sad to see another of my mom's children "go astray" because she's already suffered enough from me, but it's still good to have the full support of my sister.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
My Lover's Gone
So my boyfriend was planning on leaving tomorrow to go home for the 4th of July. His aunt told him she'd pick him up at 1. Well, it turns out that she meant 1 am, and she just barely came to pick him up. He hurried to pack, kissed me, and left. I miss him already, but I think I'm getting better at not being depressed when he leaves. The first time we were ever apart I cried for the first few days. Haha. I'm not in tears now, but I still really miss him. It makes me think of one of my favorite Dido songs. It's not entirely applicable, but I'll still post it here anyway.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Self Hating Book Report
In my room at my parents' house I have boxes upon boxes of old homework assignments and notes from classes. I used to be a major packrat and never threw anything away, but now that I don't really give as much sentimental value to junk, I've been going through them and throwing stuff away that really has no use.
While going through some old papers from high school today I came across a book report I wrote in 11th grade. It was for a young adult novel called "The Misfits" by James Howe. I remember loving that book because one of the main characters was gay, and *spoiler alert!* in the end of the book he gets a boyfriend. I started reading the book report though, and was appalled at what I wrote. I can't believe I was so self hating and in denial.
In my summary of the book, I talk about Joe, the gay character, and describe him as follows: "Joe is in love with Colin, which is creepy, but if you don't think about it too much it doesn't bug you."
At the end of the report I wrote a few paragraphs entirely about Joe:
"Another reason this book is so good is because James Howe takes things that we're not used to, and maybe even object to, and makes us see a different point of view. The biggest example of this is, of course, Joe.
"I'm not trying to say that I agree with the point of view about gays in this book. I am still firm in the LDS beliefs about this topic. My main point is that James Howe did an excellent job confronting a controversial and touchy topic.
"As soon as Joe got the note telling him to go to the flagpole, I knew who the note was from. This is where James Howe's genius writing comes in. In my mind, the idea of Joe hooking up with Colin is disturbing and wrong. However, I couldn't help rooting for Joe. I couldn't wait to finish the book because (even though this is disgusting) I wanted to see Joe find out that Colin likes him. James Howe makes Joe so likable that we can't help but want him to be happy (whatever that might entail). I don't approve of Joe's behavior and find it thoroughly repugnant."
I find it incredibly interesting and saddening that I felt such a great need to say that homosexuality is "repugnant." In retrospect, I think I wasn't so much amazed with the writing of a crappy young adult author as I was amazed at reading the story of young gay kids falling in love. I probably felt like I had to distance myself from their homosexuality in the book report by saying it was disgusting, when really I was intrigued by it and longed for what Joe found in the book. This just goes to show you what growing up in the closet can do to you. Haha. I'm glad I eventually got over this mindset. I really am glad to be who I am. I really do like being gay, and if given the choice, I would not choose to be straight. That's all for today, I'll try to be a more regular blogger from now on (thanks for the reminder, Austin!).
While going through some old papers from high school today I came across a book report I wrote in 11th grade. It was for a young adult novel called "The Misfits" by James Howe. I remember loving that book because one of the main characters was gay, and *spoiler alert!* in the end of the book he gets a boyfriend. I started reading the book report though, and was appalled at what I wrote. I can't believe I was so self hating and in denial.
In my summary of the book, I talk about Joe, the gay character, and describe him as follows: "Joe is in love with Colin, which is creepy, but if you don't think about it too much it doesn't bug you."
At the end of the report I wrote a few paragraphs entirely about Joe:
"Another reason this book is so good is because James Howe takes things that we're not used to, and maybe even object to, and makes us see a different point of view. The biggest example of this is, of course, Joe.
"I'm not trying to say that I agree with the point of view about gays in this book. I am still firm in the LDS beliefs about this topic. My main point is that James Howe did an excellent job confronting a controversial and touchy topic.
"As soon as Joe got the note telling him to go to the flagpole, I knew who the note was from. This is where James Howe's genius writing comes in. In my mind, the idea of Joe hooking up with Colin is disturbing and wrong. However, I couldn't help rooting for Joe. I couldn't wait to finish the book because (even though this is disgusting) I wanted to see Joe find out that Colin likes him. James Howe makes Joe so likable that we can't help but want him to be happy (whatever that might entail). I don't approve of Joe's behavior and find it thoroughly repugnant."
I find it incredibly interesting and saddening that I felt such a great need to say that homosexuality is "repugnant." In retrospect, I think I wasn't so much amazed with the writing of a crappy young adult author as I was amazed at reading the story of young gay kids falling in love. I probably felt like I had to distance myself from their homosexuality in the book report by saying it was disgusting, when really I was intrigued by it and longed for what Joe found in the book. This just goes to show you what growing up in the closet can do to you. Haha. I'm glad I eventually got over this mindset. I really am glad to be who I am. I really do like being gay, and if given the choice, I would not choose to be straight. That's all for today, I'll try to be a more regular blogger from now on (thanks for the reminder, Austin!).
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Man I Love
I have the most amazing boyfriend.
My laptop recently died and while I was at work he took it to Simply Mac for me to get it fixed. They called me this morning saying it was fixed and I could come pick it up. I am a bit low on funds, and I don't get paid until Friday, so I planned to wait on picking it up until then.
Then I come home from work today, give my boyfriend a kiss and a hug. Then I noticed my laptop sitting on my chair. My boyfriend picked my laptop up today and paid for it. I told him I'd pay him back and he wouldn't hear of it. He said he knew I missed it and had a hard time living without it. Haha. He is so considerate and I love him very much. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm getting sappy now, so I'll end it there :)
My laptop recently died and while I was at work he took it to Simply Mac for me to get it fixed. They called me this morning saying it was fixed and I could come pick it up. I am a bit low on funds, and I don't get paid until Friday, so I planned to wait on picking it up until then.
Then I come home from work today, give my boyfriend a kiss and a hug. Then I noticed my laptop sitting on my chair. My boyfriend picked my laptop up today and paid for it. I told him I'd pay him back and he wouldn't hear of it. He said he knew I missed it and had a hard time living without it. Haha. He is so considerate and I love him very much. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm getting sappy now, so I'll end it there :)
Saturday, May 30, 2009
GSA and High School Memories
Reading Sarah's post about the GSA at her school got me thinking about how homosexuality was viewed when I went to high school in little ol' Provo, Utah.
During my senior prom I overheard the administration arguing with two girls, one girl wearing a dress and the other wearing a tux. The girls were lesbians who wanted to promenade with the rest of the students and the administration was not going to let them. I heard students around me asking, "How did they even get tickets to come to the Prom? I thought that wasn't allowed!"
I don't remember whether the girls were eventually allowed to promenade or not, but I don't think they were. They later joined with the ACLU to make the issue more public and it was in newspapers all over the state. Of course I didn't see a problem with them promenading, even though I was in extreme denial back then, but it's interesting to think about how the administration and a majority of the students were outraged that a gay couple would want to join in the promenade at Junior Prom.
I was in the student government at my high school for a couple of years, and each year the faculty advisor would go over the school constitution (i.e. how clubs are formed, the rankings of student government offices, etc.). He used examples of clubs that could be formed and clubs that could not. He mentioned that a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) would not be allowed at the school. I wish I remembered the reasoning behind it, but I don't. It might have been that we weren't allowed to have political clubs or something like that. All the same, everyone in the student government acted like GSA was a ludicrous idea that should be avoided like the plague.
When I got home from my mission I heard that a GSA had been formed at my high school, and it was a major source of controversy in local newspapers.
I'm not sure what my point in remembering all of this is, but it is interesting to see how normal intolerance of homosexuality seemed to me back then. It did not seem odd to me that GSA should be viewed as a terrorist organization. It didn't seem odd to me that a gay couple at promenade would be a problem. If I were to go back to high school today knowing what I know now, I think I would be outraged at the intolerance I would find there. It surprises me to realize that I was even drawn in by that intolerance back then.
It wasn't until the last few months of my mission that I decided it was okay to support gay marriage. Until that point, I always felt that as a Mormon I was not allowed to support certain political movements, even if I was very liberal. I had decided long ago that I was pro-choice, but for some reason I wasn't sure what feelings I was allowed to have on gay marriage.
Then on one P-Day, we were sitting around on the grass behind a church and one of the sister missionaries said to me, "So I hear you're a liberal." My liberalism was legendary among the missionaries, even though the ONLY thing I had ever said regarding my political affiliation was that I would vote for John Kerry. Somehow all the missionaries had gotten it into their heads that I was Michael Moore in their midst. Anyway, this particular sister missionary was rumored to be liberal as well.
"Yeah, I'm liberal," I said.
"I doubt that," She said. "You're another Peter Priesthood like all the rest of them. Prove to me that you're liberal."
"How?"
"Okay, tell me this... when I was back in Michigan we had to vote on whether to allow gay marriages or not. Which way would you vote?" She asked.
I thought about it for a second. I wanted to prove to her that I was liberal. For some reason it bothered me to have her think that I could be a conservative Mormony bastard like some of the other missionaries. I'd never said that I supported gay marriage, but all my feelings were that it was good. So I told her that I would vote for gay marriage.
"Good," she said. "That's how I voted."
From that day forth I wasn't as afraid to own up to my beliefs. I didn't feel like I had to conform.
Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I'll end here by posting a video of a song I really like. It's called "No Hole In My Head" by Malvina Reynolds.
During my senior prom I overheard the administration arguing with two girls, one girl wearing a dress and the other wearing a tux. The girls were lesbians who wanted to promenade with the rest of the students and the administration was not going to let them. I heard students around me asking, "How did they even get tickets to come to the Prom? I thought that wasn't allowed!"
I don't remember whether the girls were eventually allowed to promenade or not, but I don't think they were. They later joined with the ACLU to make the issue more public and it was in newspapers all over the state. Of course I didn't see a problem with them promenading, even though I was in extreme denial back then, but it's interesting to think about how the administration and a majority of the students were outraged that a gay couple would want to join in the promenade at Junior Prom.
I was in the student government at my high school for a couple of years, and each year the faculty advisor would go over the school constitution (i.e. how clubs are formed, the rankings of student government offices, etc.). He used examples of clubs that could be formed and clubs that could not. He mentioned that a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) would not be allowed at the school. I wish I remembered the reasoning behind it, but I don't. It might have been that we weren't allowed to have political clubs or something like that. All the same, everyone in the student government acted like GSA was a ludicrous idea that should be avoided like the plague.
When I got home from my mission I heard that a GSA had been formed at my high school, and it was a major source of controversy in local newspapers.
I'm not sure what my point in remembering all of this is, but it is interesting to see how normal intolerance of homosexuality seemed to me back then. It did not seem odd to me that GSA should be viewed as a terrorist organization. It didn't seem odd to me that a gay couple at promenade would be a problem. If I were to go back to high school today knowing what I know now, I think I would be outraged at the intolerance I would find there. It surprises me to realize that I was even drawn in by that intolerance back then.
It wasn't until the last few months of my mission that I decided it was okay to support gay marriage. Until that point, I always felt that as a Mormon I was not allowed to support certain political movements, even if I was very liberal. I had decided long ago that I was pro-choice, but for some reason I wasn't sure what feelings I was allowed to have on gay marriage.
Then on one P-Day, we were sitting around on the grass behind a church and one of the sister missionaries said to me, "So I hear you're a liberal." My liberalism was legendary among the missionaries, even though the ONLY thing I had ever said regarding my political affiliation was that I would vote for John Kerry. Somehow all the missionaries had gotten it into their heads that I was Michael Moore in their midst. Anyway, this particular sister missionary was rumored to be liberal as well.
"Yeah, I'm liberal," I said.
"I doubt that," She said. "You're another Peter Priesthood like all the rest of them. Prove to me that you're liberal."
"How?"
"Okay, tell me this... when I was back in Michigan we had to vote on whether to allow gay marriages or not. Which way would you vote?" She asked.
I thought about it for a second. I wanted to prove to her that I was liberal. For some reason it bothered me to have her think that I could be a conservative Mormony bastard like some of the other missionaries. I'd never said that I supported gay marriage, but all my feelings were that it was good. So I told her that I would vote for gay marriage.
"Good," she said. "That's how I voted."
From that day forth I wasn't as afraid to own up to my beliefs. I didn't feel like I had to conform.
Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I'll end here by posting a video of a song I really like. It's called "No Hole In My Head" by Malvina Reynolds.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
One More Time With Feeling...
I don't have anything profound or even anything specific to say tonight. I just haven't posted in a while, so I though I should at least post something. So here's a video of Regina Spektor singing "One More Time With Feeling," possibly my favorite Regina song of all time. I don't really have a reason for posting it, but I'm in that kind of mood where this song just feels perfect.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Defense
I didn't write a Mother's day post. I love my mom very much, but I'm not one for writing sentimental posts about her. My sister did though, and something she wrote just barely hit me. When I read it, I didn't think much of it, but the significance of it just hit me. On her blog she thanked my dad for always teaching us to treat my mom right. If we ever said anything mean to my mom and my dad was around, he would immediately say, "Don't say things like that to your mom!" and you could tell he meant it. My parents were never the type to threaten or anything like that, and my dad has always been very calm. He was very passionate about making sure we treated my mom with love though.
It used to bug me when I was younger. I thought, "Let mom defend herself. If we say something mean, let her deal with it herself." But tonight I realized that I love and respect how my dad defends my mom. She is perfectly capable of defending herself, and he's not fighting her battles, but he loves her and if he hears someone treat her less than kindly he will make sure to let them know that's not okay. And that's not just because she's a woman. I think my dad would do that for any of his kids if someone were mean to them.
My realization tonight was that this mentality has been deeply embedded in my life. Without realizing it, my dad's example has taught me to care what others say about the people I love. If someone ever says anything mean about my boyfriend, I'm going to let them know that's not okay, and I would hope he would do the same for me. My boyfriend is completely more than capable of fighting his own battles, but the point of it is not to fight someone else's battles. I think the point of standing up for them is to show your love and respect. You don't talk shit about someone I love and get away with it. I'm not going to turn a blind eye and say, "It's not my battle." If it involves someone I love, you'd better be sure as hell it's my battle, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.
It used to bug me when I was younger. I thought, "Let mom defend herself. If we say something mean, let her deal with it herself." But tonight I realized that I love and respect how my dad defends my mom. She is perfectly capable of defending herself, and he's not fighting her battles, but he loves her and if he hears someone treat her less than kindly he will make sure to let them know that's not okay. And that's not just because she's a woman. I think my dad would do that for any of his kids if someone were mean to them.
My realization tonight was that this mentality has been deeply embedded in my life. Without realizing it, my dad's example has taught me to care what others say about the people I love. If someone ever says anything mean about my boyfriend, I'm going to let them know that's not okay, and I would hope he would do the same for me. My boyfriend is completely more than capable of fighting his own battles, but the point of it is not to fight someone else's battles. I think the point of standing up for them is to show your love and respect. You don't talk shit about someone I love and get away with it. I'm not going to turn a blind eye and say, "It's not my battle." If it involves someone I love, you'd better be sure as hell it's my battle, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Walking to BYU
Since my gym is closed on Sunday, I decided to go on a walk tonight as a form of light Sunday exercise. I started by walking to the Provo temple and then to BYU campus. I'm glad I'm not going to school at BYU anymore, but I still kind of miss it. I did have some good times there and some great professors. I just wish the honor code office didn't exist. Anyway, it was a long walk, so I had a lot of time to think and listen to my iPod. It was really peaceful and really helped me relax. I also took the time to do stupid little things I'd never done before on campus. I didn't do anything big, I just sat down on stairs that are usually really busy, I went into little nooks I'd never been in before, etc. The biggest thing I did that I'd never done on campus before was touch Massasoit's taint. He's probably my favorite statue on BYU campus, and I considered it an honor to briefly poke under his skirts (I mostly did it because I figured that's probably the area he's less likely to have been touched by other BYU students. I like being unique, I guess). Anyway, my walk tonight made me want to go visit BYU some more during the summer. I miss the campus, especially when there's nobody there. Sunday night around nine o'clock is perfect.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Acceptance
As Austin pointed out to me today, it's been a while since my last post. Now that school is out, I'll try to post more regularly.
Last night my bf and I went to my mom's house for leftover fajitas. We had a Cinco de Mayo party on Monday (so it was actually Cuatro de Mayo) and had so much food leftover that my mom decided to have a repeat on Wednesday.
My sister was there with all her kids, and my brother was there with all his kids. Neither of their spouses could come, so they were a little overwhelmed with their kids. As usual, I took turns holding babies so my sister wouldn't go crazy with stress. It was crazy; all the babies wanted to be held and the kids kept fighting over everything, so the parents needed a lot of help. My bf, who usually feels awkward around my nieces and nephews, actually held one of the babies and played with the kids.
On the drive home, my bf said he wasn't sure if my brother and sister would be alright with him holding their kids. He felt like it might be weird for them to have a stranger holding their babies, and he especially thought they might not like it after they find out he's my bf. I assured him that they wouldn't mind one bit.
Then today my mom talked to me about last night. She said it looked like my bf seemed more comfortable last night with the family, and I told her about his worries from the night before. She said, "Oh of course he should hold the babies!"
It made me feel good to talk to my mom like that today. We didn't specifically mention me being gay, but she knows I am, and she knows I'm with my bf. It just felt good to have a normal conversation about my relationship that didn't focus on how my mom is sad I'm not active in the church anymore. For the first time it felt like my bf and I are becoming a normal couple in her eyes.
I don't know how accepting of us she really is, but the conversation today still showed progress, and I can just keep hoping that things continue to get better.
Last night my bf and I went to my mom's house for leftover fajitas. We had a Cinco de Mayo party on Monday (so it was actually Cuatro de Mayo) and had so much food leftover that my mom decided to have a repeat on Wednesday.
My sister was there with all her kids, and my brother was there with all his kids. Neither of their spouses could come, so they were a little overwhelmed with their kids. As usual, I took turns holding babies so my sister wouldn't go crazy with stress. It was crazy; all the babies wanted to be held and the kids kept fighting over everything, so the parents needed a lot of help. My bf, who usually feels awkward around my nieces and nephews, actually held one of the babies and played with the kids.
On the drive home, my bf said he wasn't sure if my brother and sister would be alright with him holding their kids. He felt like it might be weird for them to have a stranger holding their babies, and he especially thought they might not like it after they find out he's my bf. I assured him that they wouldn't mind one bit.
Then today my mom talked to me about last night. She said it looked like my bf seemed more comfortable last night with the family, and I told her about his worries from the night before. She said, "Oh of course he should hold the babies!"
It made me feel good to talk to my mom like that today. We didn't specifically mention me being gay, but she knows I am, and she knows I'm with my bf. It just felt good to have a normal conversation about my relationship that didn't focus on how my mom is sad I'm not active in the church anymore. For the first time it felt like my bf and I are becoming a normal couple in her eyes.
I don't know how accepting of us she really is, but the conversation today still showed progress, and I can just keep hoping that things continue to get better.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Late Night/Early Morning Thoughts
It's nearly five in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep. I just re-watched "C.R.A.Z.Y." and it got me all inspired to do stuff. Haha. I tried going to sleep, but I felt like writing my coming out letter to my siblings instead. I wrote a good chunk of it and I think I have some good stuff. I'm going to come back to it later to finish it though. Maybe I'll have fresh ideas or a new perspective tomorrow.
I wrote my mission president back the other day. I decided not to mention being gay at this point. I answered all his other questions from his email, but simply ignored the one about marriage for now. I'm not afraid to discuss the matter with him, I just didn't feel like bringing it up at this point. If he replies to my email, I might begin a discussion.
After working on a draft of my coming out letter tonight I decided to finish writing an email to my aunt. My aunt is the coolest aunt ever. My mom describes her as a free spirit. I like to think of her as my own version of Auntie Mame. I just wrote her an email to update her on my life. She and her family basically knew I was gay before I did, and they've always been waiting there to support me. It does feel good to know that I have family out there who are completely supportive.
Anyway, I'd probably better try to sleep. Ugh.
I wrote my mission president back the other day. I decided not to mention being gay at this point. I answered all his other questions from his email, but simply ignored the one about marriage for now. I'm not afraid to discuss the matter with him, I just didn't feel like bringing it up at this point. If he replies to my email, I might begin a discussion.
After working on a draft of my coming out letter tonight I decided to finish writing an email to my aunt. My aunt is the coolest aunt ever. My mom describes her as a free spirit. I like to think of her as my own version of Auntie Mame. I just wrote her an email to update her on my life. She and her family basically knew I was gay before I did, and they've always been waiting there to support me. It does feel good to know that I have family out there who are completely supportive.
Anyway, I'd probably better try to sleep. Ugh.
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